


Of Expired Milk and Suburban Lifestyle Threats

by Justdaise



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Dialogue-Only, Everything's fine though, M/M, mature language, wedding freakouts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:47:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24671830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justdaise/pseuds/Justdaise
Summary: Alec and Jace are getting married. They're freaking out. Best man & woman are up.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	Of Expired Milk and Suburban Lifestyle Threats

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> I'll keep this short cause if I start talking there's a chance it'll be longer than the work itself!  
> This is my first attempt at writing (anything!) and posting on a big platform like this. Malec are the love of my life but the idea of an au where Jalec happen has always inspired me deeply I guess.  
> Anyway, enjoy <3

“Your open bar looks amazing. I think if Becky had an open bar like that things would’ve gone a whole lot smoother between my Aunt Felicia and uncle Rudy. You know, I actually suggested that but_”

“Simon. Shut up”

“Sorry you’re right. It’s your wedding if anyone should be stress babbling it’s you”

“…”

“Do you want to stress babble???”

“…”

“Oh my god Jace? Are you… is this my time? Jump in and make sure you won’t be the runaway groom?”

“One might think I should’ve picked my best man in case that would be necessary”

“Fuck it _IS_???”

“You’re still talking.”

“Okay okay. Look man. I know it’s freaking you out. I know the prospect of committing yourself to someone for the rest of your life can be scary but remember, you love Alec okay? And that_”

“I do love him. Why did I do this then?”

“Holy hell this is really happening. Jace. Jace look at me buddy”

“What the fuck was I thinking? Married? I barely survived as his boyfriend! And suddenly I decide I’m husband material??? Wha_ why did you let me do this???”

“Oh my god. Okay. Okay! Listen… nobody’s perfect okay? No one expects you to ace it from the start. But you’ll get the hang of it. Plus it’s been 5 years now so you pretty much know what you’re getting yourself into and the most important thing is you love each_”

“Ace it??? I’m gonna screw this whole thing up! I’m gonna suck! And he’s gonna leave me. Yeah! He’s gonna hate me and leave me. Fan-fucking-tastic five years and this is how I decide to drive it off the cliff”

“You’re being ridiculous he’s not gonna hate you and leave you_”

“Oh isn’t he? He moved out for a week because I kept not throwing out the expired shit in the fridge, remember that don’t you?”

“That was because he drank that expired milk in the middle of the night and got sick! And he moved back in anyway”

“Only after I swore on my car I would check every item in the _kitchen_ every _night_ to make sure it won’t happen again!”

“Okay so was it bad to do something to make sure you’re not gonna accidentally poison your boyfriend with expired food product again?”

“It was _every_ item in the kitchen _every_ night!”

“And you did it for what? 3 nights?”

“Yeah and he took my car!!!”

“He took your car _keys._ Which if memory serves got you two to take the subway for Jordan’s birthday party and get adventurous there a little? Remember, you were late and blamed the clothes and the hair on the rush hour but you looked smug the entire evening like you’ve conquered something and gave Alec the look all night and then the two of you disappeared and weren’t there for presents and blamed that on thinking the neighbors were calling for help?”

“Simon what the fuck are you talking about? I’m telling you I signed my relationship’s death sentence and wasted shit ton of money on executing it, you’re talking about us fucking in Jordan’s neighbor’s pool?” 

“We heard noises from the bedroom, wait who was in the bedroom if you_. Okay that doesn’t matter now. What I’m talking about you filthy indecent animal, is that everything works out for you two at the end! Yes you screwed up, he got food poisoning. But you ended up in Mrs. Hudson’s pool together so it all worked out for the best right? He didn’t end up hating you, or leaving you.”

“…. No. I gave him food poisoning. He moved out. I promised I’d do better. I broke that promise. And then I covered it up with sex.”

“Okay that is not where I_”

“And one day when I can’t cover it up with sex anymore, he’s gonna leave! And he’s not gonna come back!”

“Jace you’re uncharacteristically overthinking all this.”

“Maybe if I uncharacteristically overthought proposing too I could at least hold onto him a little longer.”

“Now you’re being uncharacteristically pathetic. Hello? Hello?? This is Alec we’re talking about! He loves you!”

“I think we established it’s not that simple just now but guess you don’t understand.”

“Oh I don’t understand? Me??? The guy who lived through the horror show that was you pining over him when he took a few semesters abroad? And oh what else? Right! When you broke up that Valentine’s day three years ago cause of Magnus and not two seconds later you were having break up sex. Which lead to make up sex. And then back together sex. And shower sex. Basically all kinds of sex I really feel sorry for myself for knowing it all.”

“I just told you sex isn’t always_”

“Shut up! That’s what I understand okay? But what I don’t understand, never did and never will is that you let that man you love with all your heart and soul go just cause you got a little cold feet!”

“Simon this isn’t a little cold feet, if I screw up_”

“Oh, If??? _IF_ you screw up?? I think it’s a world known fact at this point I mean it’s not like you’re the king of committed relationships! Of course you’re gonna screw up, didn’t you already know that when you wasted a week of my life trying to find the perfect ring??!!”

“Okay I gotta ask, are you _trying_ to make me regret choosing you?”

“And then you ended up realizing it was the family ring you wanted to propose with so… story of only 7 days of my life I’ll never get back because of you.”

“Yup. Trying. And succeeding too. For once in your life.”

“You WILL screw up! That’s not a question! In fact, you’re gonna suck! Not Alec. At being his husband!”

“Gee thank_”

“But whether you be willing to fix it and make it up to him is something you can choose to do. And I’ve seen you two go through a whole lot more than not throwing out the expired milk consequences. You guys moved past practically every obstacle that can come across a couple’s way and you’ve kicked the ass of every single one. And that’s because you love each other more than anything in the world and although I do not feel particularly lucky to have sat through all that sex, I am absolutely happy to have witnessed you two idiots love each other and grow into the people that you are. Which is something you believe if you got any brains in you when I say, he is the best thing that ever happened to you, and you will be the dumbest blond to ever exist on the face of the earth if you don’t go out there right now and marry him and make sure the best thing that ever happened to you isn’t going anywhere, you hear me?”

“I… think so”

“So you got any brains in you or not?”

“I do”

“And you’re not gonna be the dumbest blond to ever exist on the f_”

“Jesus Simon_”

“Ever exist on _the face of the earth_???”

“No, guess I’m not.”

“So you’re going to tie the knot?”

“I think you’re enjoying this a little too much”

“So what, after putting the potential fate of this relationship in my hands and the sound of 5 years of sex in my ears I think I deserve it. Well?”

“Yes. I am gonna tie the knot. Chain him down. Commit monogamy with him. Happy now?”

“I will be. When I camp at that open bar.”

“Simon?”

“Yeah yeah you love me, even if you pretend I don’t exist you would be long dead without me, I know. I think it’s best if you burst out of emotions in one place for today though”

“I was gonna say you might wanna sound a little less invested in me and my soon to be husband’s sex life. Cause categorizing them? A bit weird dude”

“Are you _shitting me_”_

****

“Hey you ready? It’s almost time”

“Hmm”

“You’re not gonna believe this but shit you not, Horace Dearborn is here.”

“Iz?”

“Yeah? The two faced dick, seriously politicians!”

“You think Jace and I can work through it?”

“Of course! You wouldn’t be here if you couldn’t. I mean after all that long distance drama and exes and interested parties and_”

“So would you say we can work through anything?”

“Yeah Alec, that’s what I’m saying”

“So if I get the fuck out of here right now we can work through it later then right?”

“What?!”

“I can’t do this Izzy.”

“Oh great. So close.”

“What the fuck was I thinking??? That we get married and get a big house with white picket fences? Pull a 9-5 and get a dog and go visit mom on the weekends and have barbecues with neighbors and talk taxes, baby names and school system???”

“Okay Alec. Calm do_”

“It’s not gonna happen! He can’t do it! He’s not built that way but now he has no choice and he’s gonna end up resenting me for it!”

“Ale_”

“This was a mistake.”

“Said every guy with cold feet ever!”

“No no no Izzy you don’t understand, I thought we could do it. I really did but we can’t! He can’t!”

“Okay you know, you wanna freak out go ahead but you’re not freaking out because of him you’re freaking out because of you!”

“I’m not freaking out Izzy it’s the fucking truth! I mean look at this whole shit show! We wouldn’t last in other people’s weddings more than 10 minutes and even that was spent in mocking the bridesmaids dresses and napkins and the whole ridiculousness of the whole thing and now we’re having a one of our own??? For god’s sake Horace Dearborn is here Izzy! We’re putting on a show with Horace Dearborn in it!” 

“This isn’t about the show or the napkins or Dearborn Alec it’s about you and Jace loving each other and wanting to spend the rest of your lives together. That’s the fucking truth!”

“We can do all that without doing all of this! We don’t need this!”

“Alec you wanted this you always wanted this”

“Yeah which is probably why I deluded myself into believing he meant it when he proposed but Izzy_”

“Don’t ‘But Izzy’ me you moronic fuck you believed him!”

“Because I wasn’t thinking clea_”

“And now you don’t believe him!”

“Izzy_”

“What’s next you’re gonna unbelieve that he loves you too?”

“Listen to me!”

“No you listen to me! You think I don’t know my own brother??? You think when you called me and told me you were coming over to deliver some big news and I knew exactly what the news was gonna be, I didn’t think of all that myself? That Jace isn’t a big house with white picket fences guy, that he would rather slit his throat than live in a suburban area where the height of excitement would throwing barbecue parties, that he’s the kind of guy that thinks marriage is the dullest thing that can ever happen to a couple and maybe that was just a ploy for him to get you to know he thinks you’re a dead end should just call it quits?”

“Wait what?”

“But when you walked in hand in hand with those dumb faces with dumber smiles plastered on ‘em I knew I couldn’t be happier for y_“

“You would’ve smiled like an idiot too if you had that many rounds of sex, we may as well have been high on endorphins”

“SHUT UP! You believed he meant it when he proposed to you because he meant it! Because if he didn’t and you didn’t believe him but said yes anyway just cause you wanted this and you weren’t thinking on his part and that shit? You would’ve gone through your rounds of sex and you would’ve walked into my apartment and you would’ve showed me something I was completely ready to see and use to talk some sense into you in how bad an idea this is. A shadow of a doubt. An awkward smile a small flinch and pulling away from Jace when he said you were getting married. Something that would say you were feeling guilty, that you knew this was only happening because you wanted it, not the both of you. Because that’s what you’ve done your whole life Alec. Anything that ever felt the slightest bit selfish you’d written off on the spot. And if you actually thought you were throwing this at Jace when he wasn’t ready and you chose to dismiss it, there was no way in hell you would’ve been smiling the way you were! You saw it with all your knowledge of that Herondale boy, all your doubts, all your caution that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. You believed him Alec. I do have to praise you on that cause that dude is one exhausting mess to see through and not everyone can manage that but you did. Because as much as I don’t approve of blonds, he loves you. He belongs to you and sure, surprises me that he had enough brains to figure that out for himself too, but he has! And you believe that. You can’t unbelieve it Alec. You believed him, you said yes, you’re here and now you’re gonna go out there and marry him.”

“Isabelle”

“Ughh fine you want to go out the back door or the window?”

“Thank you”

“Hey if he does turn out to be a tool, you can always divorce his ass.”

“Don’t ruin it.”

“Can’t help it there was just too much emotions involved, you see what you done to me???”

“I love you”

“Just say that to the goldilocks at the alter for today, I don’t need it right now”

“Izzy!”

“I love you too. And Alec?

“???”

“Jace will live in the suburbs, Jersey, even Canada, if it means being with you.”

“I know.”

“And will probably talk so much shit at barbecues no one will ever invite you two again.”

“Yeah I think I’ll help him with that”

“Yes cause he’s not the only one who can’t survive that shit kind of life”

“I know. I guess I was just…”

“Freaking out?”

***

“This marriage better works, cause there oughtta be a cold day in hell if I ever agree to ever being my brother’s best man ever again”

“You too?”

“Oh you got no idea.”

“I think I got some.”

“I need a drink”

“I need the whole bar”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this was originally supposed to be a full work, or at least a one shot. Not just dialogues. But since it would be my first attempt at writing here, or anywhere really, and in English at that, which is not my first language, and these days it's been like something itching in my brain to finally do more than just thinking of a bunch of scenarios and conversations and typing them down, I just went ahead and chose one of my extended prompts and made it look presentable and decided to post it. Which was weird because there isn't much to it and then I realized I had to pick a name, and at first I thought I'd just go with the original prompt #9 but then I thought to myself 'what are you, Reginald Hargreeves, numbering your kids instead of naming them?' So yeah if the name seemed a bit off, I did my best!  
> Anyway, thanks for giving this a chance. Hope you enjoyed it.  
> And the most important thing, like I said I'm new to this. So if you think I made a mistake or if I should change something (in tagging and stuff), I would be grateful if you mention it to me.  
> And in terms of writing and writing in a second language, I would be very lucky and happy if you help me with that too.  
> Hope I get the balls to finally get my ass down and start writing the challenging stuff I'm excited about.  
> Have a very nice day, week, month, year! =D And don't forget about taking care of yourself=)<3


End file.
